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Choices and Consequences,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]
Have you struggled in vain to get your child to comply with rules? Do you feel like you are always yelling,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but never get through? While no one method will work ALL the time,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], here's an easy to remember way to set a limit. method is in the way you apply it. Select a specific behavior to focus on. The first step is to notice the feeling or desire behind your child's behavior. Try to get eye contact with your child as you do so.
Acknowledging the feeling first will help your child to feel understood and will decrease resistance to the message that follows,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. It will also help your child learn the connection between feelings and actions,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
It may be necessary to repeat this part more than once,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], paraphrasing it in different ways. For example: "Johnny, I can see you are really eager to make a picture with your new markers." (Johnny continues to take the cap off every marker.) "It looks like fun and you can't wait to get started!"
Remember,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], saying what you think your child feels only means that you understand what it is like to be him at that moment. It does not mean you agree with what he wants to do.
The second step is to state the consequence for the behavior clearly and calmly,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], making it clear the choice belongs to the child. Notice how our example uses the word "choose" 3 times.
Finally,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you MUST follow through with the consequence immediately if the child continues with the undesirable action. Remember,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], children need guidance, so offer an alternative action that you find acceptable.
This model can also be used to guide older children in their decision making,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. Here's another example:
A - Jill,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I know it is important to you to wear designer jeans.
C - If you choose to buy those jeans,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], we won't have enough money left to get the new shoes you want.
T - If you choose the less expensive jeans, we will have enough money to get both the new shoes and the jeans. The choice is yours.
In this example,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], it is important that the parent truly be willing to let Jill make her own decision,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and not "rescue" her from the consequences of her choice. If she chooses the expensive jeans, she'll have to do without the new shoes.
A - Jeff,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I know you are in a hurry to get to your friend's house.
C - Remember,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you have a choice as to how you drive. If you choose to drive over the speed limit and get a ticket,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you will be responsible for paying it and you will lose your driving privilege for one week.
T - If you choose to drive within the speed limits,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you will be able to keep on driving and you will be able to spend that money on other things. The choice is yours.
As a parent, part of your job is setting and teaching limits to your children until they internalize these and no longer need your guidance. Small children need to be given small choices appropriate to their age. Older children will need to make bigger decisions,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], still within the limits of what is acceptable to you as the parent. When you give your children choices, make sure you are willing to live with any of the options.
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